


The Flaw

by keepfabandgayon



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, Newt's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 02:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepfabandgayon/pseuds/keepfabandgayon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't know why I do these things. I don't know why I jump head-first into too-deep water and force myself to come up from the bottom of the ocean for air even when it should be impossible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Flaw

**Author's Note:**

> i can't seem to stay away from these quasi-epistolary things.
> 
> not sure if this should go in the warnings, but this uses a lot of drowning metaphors. also, there's a bit about an event that isn't quite attempted suicide, but newt does something he knows will probably kill him for science.

I don't know why I do these things. I don't know why I jump head-first into too-deep water and force myself to come up from the bottom of the ocean for air even when it should be impossible. 

Sometimes, it's just for the thrill of _Can I do it? Can I fix it? Can I survive it?_ but that isn't really a good enough reason, because I can get the same thrill watching Kaiju attack replays and thinking about if I'm going to make it to tomorrow, because what if your equations are wrong and they come back in the middle of the night, five at once, all Category 10, and I haven't cut open enough of them to know how to kill them all before they kill us. 

And what if they never came again? Would that be better? It was a question that took me too long to answer. 

One time I asked you what you wanted to do after they're gone. You looked at me and I could tell you were considering it, because after so many years in a too-small lab I know everything about you, every tone of voice, every different type of frown you wear, exactly how angry you need to be to lapse into German without noticing, and I know you know me just as well. I knew you considered the question, and I knew it scared you, because even from across the room and with you half turned away I could see your eyes go wide. And you called me an idiot, and said I should focus on the present, on the Kaiju entrails in front of me, and the only future either of us needed to focus on was _when will the next Kaiju attack happen?_ because, of course, numbers never lie. 

Except they did, that one time. 

Then again, the Kaiju weren't expecting me to Drift with them, so it's really not your numbers' fault. I always was the flaw in your perfection. 

Remember when I accidentally swallowed Kaiju Blue? And you told me I was a fool, for not looking at what I'm grabbing before I drink it, and I yelled at you that you shouldn't touch my damn coffee, then, if you don't really think the world is better off without me, in between making you and the lab assistants we used to have run around getting me anything I needed to neutralise it before it killed me. 

I found a cure that day, in the two hours I had. I just barely made it. I remember you had to tie me down to stick the needle in me, I was shaking so bad. 

I don't know why I drag you down with me. Pull you under, as if the riptide wasn't enough. 

I knew, then, for the first time, that you really did like having me around. You held my hand while you stuck the needle in, and I could barely keep my eyes open, but I saw that yours were shiny. 

Funny how I knew everything else about you -- what every little quirk of your eyebrows and flick of your hand meant, how you took your coffee and how you took your tea, exactly how long you could stay on your feet in every kind of weather, and what shirts you wouldn't wear unless you hadn't had time to do laundry in over a month, though I didn't know why, because those shirts looked no more or less hideously old-man-ish than the rest -- but I never knew you cared until you almost lost me. 

Now might be a bad time to tell you it wasn't an accident. 

They wouldn't let me work on a cure because telling the Jaegers where to punch and where to shoot was more important. So I didn't give them the choice. 

That's what I mean when I say I jump off the deep end. 

Maybe I should've been a Jaeger pilot. I sure take enough risks, and they turn out well enough for me. Though, I don't think I'd be able to Drift with anyone who wasn't you. 

I promise I'm not trying to be schmoopy. I just don't know anyone like I know you. I don't trust anyone as much as I trust you. 

You've saved my life more times than I can count. And I know I've messed yours up just as many times, so I probably don't deserve it, and I guess, for all that I know about you, I still don't know why you do it. I don't think you even know. 

I guess we never really thought we'd make it this far. I know I didn't. But now we have to think about what we want to do with the rest of our lives. 

Sure, there are a ton of problems that could use our expertise, but that's just it -- there's so many. The Kaiju were the big thing; there was nothing worse when they were around. They were the first priority, and everyone in the world knew it. But now we have to choose. And I don't know if I can. 

What can I really throw myself into now? What's as interesting, as captivating, as terrifying as the Kaiju? I never loved them, but it was a close thing; I loved the focus they gave me. I loved that I was needed because of them. But I didn't love them. How could I? 

And what can you throw yourself into? You wanted them gone as much as anyone else, but I know you always did worry, at least a little bit, that you'd be useless when they were gone. 

Well, I know you want me around. And I know I want you around. I guess, if we both need to find a new life, we may as well do it together. 

Oh, we'll argue like we always have, I'm sure. I don't think we could stand each other without it. And I don't know if I could really work if I didn't have you grumbling and writing away on a chalkboard in the same room. 

I'll try not to swallow anything poisonous this time. But no promises. I mean, where would we be if I didn't jump head-first into something that could kill me? And where would I be without you by my side to make sure it works out for me? To make sure I come out of it alive?

Or, at least, to do your best and try. Because there weren't any guarantees when we Drifted. We were a sure thing, I didn't question that we'd be Drift-compatible, and neither did you, but who's to say the neural load of the Kaiju hive mind wouldn't have been too much for both of us?

If I drown, you don't want me to drown alone. 

Thing is, I don't want that to happen. I may value science more than my own life, like any good scientist would, but not more than you. I'll never drag you down with me. Not like that. 

But I can't stay away from you. Not now that I know what we can do together. So maybe I do have to promise. 

You did so much for me. I might as well do something for you. 

I'll work on it, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not totally satisfied with newt's voice in this; it seems a lot less casual than i'd expect of him. a lot more metaphors and such. but then, newt's probably got a serious side in there somewhere. 
> 
> i took some liberties in here; i know newt's not a medical doctor, but i don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibility that at some point in those six doctorates he might've thought "but what about medicine?"


End file.
